Friday, May 8, 2026

Aunt Lissie Our Local Witch

 

My Origins and our Local Witch

I was born in a small house built by my Uncle by marriage Jess Morgan who lived at the end of our long driveway by a Mountain branch that flowed into Frozen Creek.  Jess married my Grandma Chapman’s sister Fronie,  She was a stern but kind lady who I bought my first car from, a 1953 Bel Aire Chevrolet sedan. The branch, like many others, originated higher up the mountain and served whiskey stills over the years. In later years, I caught lizards in the branch, some poisonous and some not to use as bait  in the French Broad River that Frozen Creek ran into just two miles down the Frozen Creek road from our house. I was told that if the lizard had a blue or purple tail that it was poisonous. I never verified that, but I took particular care handling those lizards. We had a Mountain branch on my Daddy’s eight acres that we used as drinking water and to cool our milk and other products  from our milk cow. Our branch, like so many others throughout Transylvania County, provided water for whiskey stills. My Daddy had one of his stills close to the headwaters of what we referred to as the Spout Branch.

At a young age, I packed sugar and corn malt into the liquor still of my Daddy’s and carried 4 gallons of whiskey back down the mountain for my Mama to sell. We got the empty gallon jugs from a Coca Cola Plant in Hendersonville, North Carolina. The jugs previously held the syrup used to make Coca Cola soda pop which for some reason, we called dopes. Maybe we were the dopes, but I bought many a Coca Cola dope along with a moon pie at Harlow McCall’s small store roughly 3 miles or so from where Frozen Creek road ended at Highway 64 right close to the bend of the French Broad River. My purchase was put in a poke (paper bag).

Our small house had only two bedrooms, a living room, and a kitchen. We had both a front and back porch. This small house accommodated over a period of time 12 of 13 children that my Mother gave birth to before dying at the early age of 51.

We slept head to toe in the back bedroom in two full size beds. As the children grew up and left home, that left more food for the rest of us. We raised chickens and hogs, and we shot and killed the slowest animals in the surrounding woods . Every fall, we slaughtered a hog for winter meat, and we had a bank house built into the bank beside our house. Mama would go to the bank house to slice pork loin or bacon to compliment our breakfast of eggs and grits. The bank house had shelves to accommodate my Mama’s canned vegetables from her garden. She supplemented her garden bounty with canned Georgia Peaches that she bought from local fruit stands along highway 64. What a thrill to eat a bowl of canned peaches in the dead of winter or one of Mama’s peach cobblers. We fished and hunted and rarely bought anything other than flour, cornmeal, salt, and pepper from the local grocery store in greater downtown Rosman.

People make fun of me for writing the story of my birth. One minute, I was comfortable and warm and suddenly I was having my ass whacked by a doctor. I was born on a small cot right by a widow looking out onto our front porch. To say the least, I was shocked and confused. It was a hot August day, the 19th to be exact in the year 1946. I have written about some of my earliest memories of my birth and early years. I won’t go into much detail but in between napping I recall people stopping by to see the new baby. I looked around but, I never spied anything that looked like a new baby. After all, I was 9 months and three days old when I was born. Imagine my surprise when my Grandma took me from my Mama’s arms and referred to me as the new baby. Anyway, in later years, I would get birthday cards wishing me a Happy Birthday even though I only had one such event. It always confused me and it still does.

People poo poo my excellent memory of being born with a full head of hair and a mouth full of teeth, so let them. I know what I know and I yam what I yam.

I had eight brothers and four sisters with only  5  younger than me. I have lost precious brothers and sisters. My oldest brother Charles, who I loved dearly. My lovely sister Estelle who was not only a sister, but my best friend, My twin brothers, Howard and Harold, My brother Edgar who my Mama named after Edgar Allen Poe. My brother Ronnie who only lived a brief time after his birth. My brother Harold named his son Ronnie after my brother Ronnie. All my Aunts and Uncles lie in graveyards. We were all the same and we were all different, but we were always family. It is the way of the world that we each live and die. God breathed our first breath into us and with our last breath our soul escapes the body that housed our souls for the duration of our life. The Irish have the right idea; they celebrate the life of a person instead of mourning the death. The soul or the spirit of life lives on. My sister Thelma always liked the gospel; “Precious Memories” . My sweet Aunt Verdery played the song on her piano; “ Farther Along.”  My sister Estelle and I visited Aunt Verdery right before she died. On her death bed, she ordered me and Estelle to eat a delicious bowl of pinto beans (soup beans) from her kitchen. Of course we had corn bread with the soup beans. Each time I eat pinto beans, I think of Aunt Verdery. My mama always had pinto beans on the stove and plenty of biscuits and cornbread for anyone who stopped by our house  hungry. My friends though nothing of going into the kitchen and dishing up a bowl of soup beans and breaking off a piece of cornbread.  Precious Memories indeed.

 

Anyway, I wanted to mention our local witch. Her name was ,or still is, as far as I know, Aunt Lissie. Now Aunt Lissie ain’t my aunt but I along with hundreds of people called her Aunt Lissie and she loved being addressed in that way. I loved Aunt Lisse and fully believed as I do now that she was or still is a witch with special powers.  She was tall and mysterious. It was difficult to get a straight answer out of her. She lived about two miles up Frozen Creek road just past Mayapple Holler and at the foot of Jim Dick Hill. I don’t know a thing about the origin of Jim Dick Hill, I just accepted it as a landmark just as what is known after all these years, the Lissie Place. For a period of time, Aunt Lissie’s brother, Deilius Cantrell lived with Aunt Lissie. He was bedridden and did not speak much. He claimed that he was severely injured by the Ku Klux Klan in Kentucky. I don’t know.  I had a flat tire in heavy rain on a curve in Kentucky. I changed that tire as Semi Trucks whizzed by me mere feet away at blinding speed. I survived in case you were wondering.

So, mountain lore has it that ghosts and witches are plentiful in Western North Carolina. My Grandpa Chapman, in my estimation was the best storyteller in North Carolina. I fancy myself as storyteller, but I could never recount stories like my Grandpa. Each story he told enthralled the listeners and as you listened to his stories, you actually felt like you were in the story that he was telling. He had that knack to describe the scene perfectly and in a voice that paused occasionally which left you breathless waiting for the next part of the story. When I would return to my birthplace, my Daddy would take me to the local cemeteries and tell me about his memories of the person listed on the granite or marble stones. I asked my Grandpa if Aunt Lisse was a witch and he hemmed and hawed a bit before saying that he did not know, but that stories about her having special powers were too plentiful to just ignore. He said some things are just as hard to prove as to disprove.

 

When, I asked Aunt Lissie directly, she said that a lot of people believe that she is a witch and some disbelieve. She avoided admitting that she was a witch, but the evidence and personal stories of people who knew her well. My brother Edgar was a skeptic. He challenged Aunt Lisse to prove she was a witch by making him do something. I think Edgar had consumed a bit of my Daddy’s white lightning.

He stood in her front yard and challenged her to make him do something to prove she was a witch. She looked at him intently and said “ so, there you are.” He looked at her and said, “ what are you talking about.” She said, “I just had you climb my crabapple tree backwards.”  We used the term: “backassward.”

I don’t know that witches can get sick, but my Mama told us that she stayed with Aunt Lissie a few days when she was sick and needed help. Mama said that she was making Aunt Lisse’s bed and she reached down to straighten out a pillow on the bed and a hairball rolled out from under the pillow. Aunt Lisse was on the front porch wrapped in a blanket one minute and the next minute, she was in the bedroom with Mama and snatched the hairball from the bed and vanished. Well, Mama occasionally took a sip of Daddy’s brew also.

My brother Charles and my cousins Willard Morgan and Otis Morgan tell the same Aunt Lisse story. They had been drinking and stopped to visit Aunt Lisse. They sat in her living room by her fireplace, and they kept after Aunt Lisse to prove she was a witch. Exasperated, she passed around a fingernail clipper and told them to clip their fingernails. Se had a fire going in the fireplace.  They did. Then her kerosene lanterns dimmed and almost went out. The only light was from the glow of the fireplace. She told everyone to throw their fingernail clippings in the fireplace. As they did, the room grew darker and floating through the air from the entryway to the living room, a casket with brass handles floated through the room. The witnesses claim they were unable to move from their chairs until the casket disappeared from sight. They suddenly all decided it was time to leave.

 

I don’t know. I can only speak from my own experiences. I used to go to Aunt Lissie’s after school, and she would give me 10 cents per hour to weed and hoe her garden. I would work an hour or two and she had this small tobacco pouch with change in it. She would take out two dimes and hand to me and thank me for a good job.

After I left home to join the Navy, I would come back on leave and always visit Aunt Lisse. She was always happy to see me and asked me about the places I had been. Over the years, she never changed or looked a day older than when I was a young boy. I came back one year and her place was empty. I was told that she moved to Morgantown Norh Carolina. People told me that when they saw her, she looked the same as 40 years earlier. She never shows any aging. I have heard dozens of stories about her ability to heal injured people. One such story was a baby was severely burned and the doctors said that the baby would not live. Aunt Lissie was taken to the baby, and she applied some type of ointment to the baby and within a few days all signs of the burn disappeared.

If Aunt Lisse was or still is a witch, I don’t care. I loved her and will remember her always.

 

 

 

Saturday, April 18, 2026

SUPER PEE AND PEDR0

SUPER PEE AND PEDR0 

        

SUPER PEE AND PEDRO’S ADVENTURES

 

I am a sucker for YouTube advertising. I will be watching a music video and all of a sudden in the middle of a song, an advertisement will appear.

How to cure diabetes in 10 minutes, or I used to make $10 an hour and now I make $11,000 per week and you can too. Are  you needing to lose weight? Try this homemade remedy and lose up to 10 lbs a week.  BALD? You can have a healthy head of hair by week two of trying this simple homemade recipe. Invest $1000 and in six months grow your investment  to $10,000 by using this little- known secret. Work for yourself from home simply by sending popular recipes through the mail. Within two months, you can retire.  Just watch the short video by tapping on “Learn More” below.

I can’t help it. Something comes over me and I spend 45 minutes watching the short video and I found out the secret. The secret is that they never mention how to mix up the homemade ingredients to stop being bald and cure diabetes and so forth. Instead, they bore you to a zombie like state on the  “short” 45-minute video. At the end, you find out that you don’t have to mix baking soda with apple cider vinegar and three cloves with a pint of honey and a teaspoon of olive oil mixed with black pepper and 4 tablespoons of wild clover honey with a sprinkle of oregano.  

No, No, you don’t have to gather all those ingredients, as a favor to you, the advertiser has combined all the necessary ingredients along with a secret herbal recipe gathered by Chinese farmers high in the Mongolian mountains from a rare exotic fruit known as “ xociticial pharmogate” found only in the Mongolian Mountains and the valleys of the Himalayan mountains . These necessary ingredients are combined together and for a limited period of time we have this remedy available in pill form  at an astonishing 55% off for the first 100 customers who click the order now button below and include your credit card number. Please enter your zip code to verify that you are eligible for this one-time opportunity to throw away your eyeglasses and enjoy perfect eyesight and memory with a full head of healthy hair that never grows grey. Our supply is limited so order now to avoid a large price increase that takes place next month. 

Save more by ordering the 5 pack of these extraordinary proven ingredients. You can increase your savings even more if you want to save by buying a six pack of this amazing remedy today, only. You can save an additional 10%. Why go through life bald and fat when you can be slim and hear perfectly without hearing aids with  our latest formula.  Act now.

 

Well, I have the same full head of hair that I had. It seems I can hear better and I sleep better. I have lost 23 pounds because after buying the magic pills, I cannot afford groceries . This stuff really works, I am not bald yet, but just in case, I am going to order more before the Chinese farmers go on strike and stop gathering the secret herbs and plants.  I will mortgage my house and buy these pills. I don’t want to be bald.

So, after going bankrupt from being addicted to the “xociticial pharmogate”  I decided to try to make my own mixture of the pills that saved me from growing bald, fat, and able to see long distances without glasses. I took the pills to a medical laboratory to have the ingredients analyzed. The pills contained equal parts of sugar. Flour, horse glue and corn starch.  I paid for the laboratory to make the pills for me . The cost was only ½ cent per pill with a warning that using the pills would have absolutely no effect on baldness, being fat, or having the ability to see long distance. I took them for a while and the doctor from the lab told me that I was being vastly overcharged at ½ cent per pill. A side effect, according to him, was lowered IQ and paranoia.

 

I quit paying ½ cent per pill and cancelled my subscription for the $25.00 per pill from the magic pill factory. I finally realized that I had been taken advantage of through the hypnotic video of the poor Chinese Farmers gathering ingredients for the expensive ingredients of xociticial pharmogate. I had the medical lab investigate the xociticial pharmogate and found that there was no such thing.

 

It was an expensive lesson to learn that the way to get rich is to  pretend to discover a cure for something and to create a hypnotizing video to get people to buy your product.  But then my conscience kicked in and I decided to actually find a cure for some common ailment and market the cure at a reasonable price so people would not go bankrupt.  I finally decided on a cure for getting up several times a night to pee. I found one video about a cure for that problem It seems that their cure was to sell a combination of herbs and cornstarch that had to be kept in a bathroom medicine cabinet in a zip lock bag. The plan was to take the pill 💊  three times a night until cured. One pill had to be taken at 1:47 a.m. , another at 3:11 a.m. with 20 ounces of water and again at 5:15 a.m.  The instructions  stressed that in order for the secret formula to work that you had to empty your bladder immediately after taking the pills, Well hundreds of testimonies praised the pill and testified that in between taking the pills that they did not have to get up to pee.

Well, I saw right through that scheme. The peeing after taking the pills equated to getting up three times a night to pee. So, I decided to be honest, and I spent three years developing a true cure of getting up frequently to pee. I flew to China and hired three Chinese farmers to pick herbs from the highest mountains that had been peed on by rabid bats. It seems the pee from the rabid bats enhanced the rare herbs effectiveness . I hired a porn actress with scanty clothes to advertise my remedy with a tantalizing video. Well, she hired a lawyer and claimed to have invented the pills and her Risque” video. She took over my idea and moved to Hollywood and bought a 3.7-million-dollar mansion. My/Her video is still up on YouTube. She sends me a Christmas card every year.

 

So, I dropped the video idea and began experimenting with different ingredients. After 7 years, I produced a product that cured the issue of having to get up frequently to pee. The only problem was that if you wake from your sleep to pee, you can’t use the bathroom. The force of the forceful pee will break a toilet. Porcelain shards fly forcefully throughout the bathroom. So, I decided to put a warning label on the pills so that daily replacement of a toilet was necessary in order to use the product. Sales dropped rapidly.  After, I took the pill, I quickly got dressed and went outside. I live at the foot of a mountain. I would unzip and free Pedro and pee toward the mountain. I created caves due to the massive force of the released pee.

I then advertised that I could clear clogged sewers, beaver dams  and clear storm damage. I got jobs going to disaster areas and peeing toward log jams, moving large boulders from landslides and pressure washing tall sturdy buildings. I could clean window up to 75 stories. I would just drink New blue dawn prior to letting Pedro do his thing. I got rich beyond imagination. The government hired me for secret operations against the enemy. I directed Pedro to pee from a jet plane and unearthed below ground storage of missiles and enriched uranium from IRAN, Some things are so secret, I cannot tell you about my many missions. I became known as SUPER PEE. I had the porn star in Hollywood create a colorful costume for me with a large S on the front. I started a talk show and a podcast where I showed videos of the results of some of my work. I don’t have to get up at night to pee anymore. However, I have to drink 11 gallons of liquid per day to load Pedro up for his work. I have authored a book detailing my exploits. Click on LEARN MORE to get 27% percent off the purchase price of my book.

 

LEARN MORE….Get SUPERPEE’s autobiography for a limited time only and receive a free bonus picture of PEDRO.

CLICK Below to learn more.

 

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X                                                   30

 

 

Friday, April 3, 2026

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

                                                          


 MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

I know what you are thinking. Mission Impossible was an old black and white TV  show that was somewhat futuristic with fantastic weapons and impossible odds.  Then it was remade into a slick color presentation starring Tom Cruise.

Well, some everyday things are really Mission Impossible. Let’s say you are married and your wife tells you that she does not feel like cooking. The correct answer of course is: Hey, that is in your contract. It is your job. I don’t feel like working every day either, but I get up every morning and go to work to buy you some fine cookware, a toaster, a dishwasher and a sewing machine.

But don’t say that . Oh no. Don’t say that. You might get some soup made with dirty dishwater or even worse a fruitcake or some stale bread cut up into a bowl of milk or worst case; some dog food in a bowl. NO, don’t say that. Just don’t.

Instead, you say something like: So, you want me to go to the store and get an 8 piece chicken meal? Before you can get the words out……..I’m not in the mood for chicken says she. Oh well, I could pick up some Ta….es . No, No, says she , I’m not in the mood for Taco’s or Mexican food.

Well, right about now, you might think , just ask her what she is in the mood for, Right?

Oh hell no. You have got to finish the game. You say how about I make you a sandwich?   Well, save your breath. You put too much mustard on a sandwich and you know I don’t like onion on my sandwiches.  Well, how about we order a pizza? It is not Wednesday, says she. Don’t ask.

There is some left ov……No, left over spaghetti is too dry and I am not in the mood for Italian food and we don’ have any garlic bread. I could go and buy…… No, that would take too long  and I am hungry now. Time now to ask? No, not yet.

Howz about Mc..No I don’t want a happy meal.  Well, I could have told you would not be happy with a happy meal.  What exactly do you mean by that remark? There is no reason for you to get all huffy. Now do it.

Then what would you be in the mood for? I don’t know. Why don’t you think of something?  says she.

 

30

Sunday, March 22, 2026

My LATEST CHALLENGE AND MY SMOKNG HOT SISTER

 


My LATEST CHALLENGE AND MY SMOKNG HOT SISTER      

THOSE  LITTLE BROWN PILLS


 

Those little brown pills

 

I never know what is going to set me off. I could be calm as a cucumber and then watch some politician joker on TV act like they know what they are talking about and making outlandish claims and I’m suddenly sitting on top of the moon stomping my feet on the ground.

I’ve got a sister and I won't mention her name because I am scared she will go apeshit on me. You’ve heard of those fast cars that go from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds. Well, they don’t stand a chance with my sister. She is faster than greased lightning when it comes from simmer to boil. She claims it starts with a burning sensation in her big toe and spreads until she is John of Arc burning at the stake. Pity those fools who set her off. They know not what they do.

A while back, she was referred to a particular doctor or maybe a peculiar doctor at the hospital. It was an urgent situation because she was told if she didn’t get help that she might lose the use of her right leg. (not to be confused with her wrong leg).

So, she called to get the appointment and this unknowing fool who had an ego as big as Paul Bunyan’s big blue ox answered the phone. Well, I won’t tell the whole story but This here sister of mine said she wanted to get an appointment with this magic doctor she was referred to. This unwitting fool told my sister that they would help her get an appointment, but it may be with another doctor instead of the magic doctor.

 

Well, the big toe started burning and fire crept up through her shoe she was wearing, and the flame was tugging at her pants leg. But this sister preaches to me that when I feel myself getting wound up to just take deep breaths and count to 10 and not to go apeshit. Didja ever hear that expression: “ Do as I say not what I do”? Well, hells bells, that is what happened.

This sister of mine first took her deep breaths and calmly explained that she was referred to this particular doctor due to her precarious situation. This Bimbo, with attitude told her: “We decide what doctor you see, not you. Well by this time the flame from the toe had crept up to the knee and was getting hotter.  They know not what they do indeed. Shoulda made a video call so the broad on the phone could see the flames and the grit coming off my sister’s teeth.  BEWARE BEWARE BEWARE.

Unbeknownst to this know-it all on the phone, she was shortening her life span. My sister was close to the point of taking her burning leg to the hospital and jamming it up this obnoxious girl’s , I don’t know the medical term, I think maybe “rectum”. Wrecktum hell, she would have done her in if she had not had trouble walking and running to the hospital. Code Red Code Red.

Anyway, my sister tried to keep her cool although she was coughing from the smoke of her burning leg. She hung up and called back to speak to the head nurse. Calmly she explained what had happened with the dumb bunny she had talked with. The head nurse said that she had read the notes of the conversation and maybe, just maybe, my sister and the hospital was just not the right fit. Well, the flame from the big toe had a flashback and smoke started to pour around my sister. I can’t go further in explaining this incident as it is just to painful to tell. You will have to contact my sister to hear the Paul Harvey rest of the story.

Back to the title of my story. Years ago, after 26 years of living in Washington State, I got in the car one day and just kept driving. I ran out of gas by the Snake River in a little Idaho town named Rupert. So, I decided to just live there and I am still in Rupert or just outside about 3 miles out. Sorta like that song: Lodi. Here I am stuck in Lodi or in this case Rupert.  So, there were times in my past where I went a little over the line and got a little out of sorts once in a while and people who ran from the scene described it as me going Apeshit.  I just thought it was something I inherited from my sister with the big toe warning except my toe was always hurting from having an ingrown toenail. (another story).

 

So, I decide to take my wise sister’s advice except when I feel it coming on, I can’t count to ten and take deep breaths. I have to count to 311 and take breaths that rival the sound of a train with a steam engine.  I have found that it helps but not always

When I arrived in Idaho about 19 years ago, I wasn’t feeling too chipper, so I goes to a doctor. He diagnoses me with anemia.  I ask what is that? He said normally it is bleeding from the inside. I looked at him and said what is normally about bleeding from the inside. No, No, he said . Let’s order a colonoscopy and an endoscopy to find the source of the bleeding. So, the way I understood it, I was getting pretty low on blood. Shoulda checked my dipstick. Hey Hey, lets leave my dipstick alone.

So, I take these tests and no blood was found. Maybe I had lost too much to detect. So, he prescribed iron pills which made me piss orange. That worried me a little, so I went back and he said I was still anemic. So, he reaches in his pocket and takes out a wadded-up plastic bag with some pills in the bag. He said, “I was anemic once and I started taking these pills and I am no longer anemic. So, hows about giving me a couple of those suggested I, me, or whatever.  He says they come in a bottle of 500 and you can get them at Costco. They are called Super B Complex. To make a long story shorter, I went to Costco and had those super b tablets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and when I went back to the Doctor, he said I was no longer anemic. I had a few choice words that I will not repeat about having to have the colonoscopy and the endoscopy, but he hid behind a bullet proof door with a speaker and told me my appointment time was up.

Anyway, to get to the point of the title of this story. Sometimes it just takes me a while.

This same Doctor, told me that my blood tests showed me low on vitamin D. So, I goes back to Costco and buy a bottle of D3. I guess D1 and D2 did not work sorta like WD 39 as opposed to WD 40. Well, this bottle contained what looked like miniature fish oil tablets except they were round and slippery. I have suffered with these little bastards for a few years. I try to pick one up and take it to my mouth and it slips out of my hand and rolls away. I hunts and I hunts and can’t find the clear little rascal until I later step on it and squish it. I have dropped untold numbers of these little bastards, and I am sure my vitamin D is getting low again. I tried putting the little critters on the bed and that helped some but boy they are elusive and roll away very easily onto the floor.

My sister with the big toe issue has given me some great advice so I calls her and explains the issue. I mention that I have a 12-pound sledgehammer and that my idea was to put those little rascals on a stump and smash the shit out of them. She says I need to calm down and take deep breaths. I then send her a picture of these little roly poly pills and she writes back. “Get out that sledgehammer” and then she gives me her sage advice: GET BIGGER PILLS.

 

Nuff said

                                                    -30-

 

 

 

Monday, February 16, 2026

A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES

 


A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES

 

Sounds like a droll title I know. A lot of people go to a graveyard and walk the shortest path to a particular tombstone inscribed with the date of birth and death of a loved one, spend some time and then leave. My Daddy would wander around the graveyards and share memories he had of the residents.

Some leave flowers, some let tears fall while remembering the person whose bones lie beneath the surface. Some graves are sunken due to loose filled dirt not packed down. Some have mounds shaped by loving hands. One such grave  stands out in the Owen graveyard above my Uncle Robert and Aunt Lola’s homeplace.

That grave has a handmade wooden canopy built by my Uncle John Thomas Owen better known as J.T. Owen. J.T. said that he could not bear the thought of his Mama being rained or snowed on. With loving hands, he, with the help of my Uncle Robert, hauled the wood  to the graveyard for the cover over my Grandmother’s grave and built the canopy.  J.T. never got over losing his mother and when he mentioned her, involuntary tears filled the wrinkles on his face and rolled down his face into his tobacco-stained beard.  J.T. chewed Days Work tobacco. He always looked sad except very rarely when he would recount a story, a fond memory,  which brought a chuckle and smile to his weathered face. My Uncle Spurgeon Owen took J.T. in when my Grandma died. Spurgeon’s sons treated J.T. more like a brother than an Uncle.

I would see J.T. walking down the Quebec mountain on his way to the country store that was built above the French Broad River just off U.S. Highway 64. I would walk along with him to the store and back to the foothills of the Quebec community.  Not too far up Highway 64  from my Uncle Spurgeon’s house is a scenic waterfall, Toxaway falls.  In the movie Thunder Road starring Robert Mitchum , he drove a tanker car filled with moonshine down the long slope of the falls at 90 miles an hour while being chased by revenuers. Revenuers were always interfering with my relative’s production and sale of whiskey better known as white lighting.

My Uncle Avery lies in the Owen cemetery close to his Mama, Jeannette Leona Owen. He was killed in a knife fight over a poker game with some Black men. His son and my first cousin Willie B. grew up with my brother Charles. They were as close as brothers.  When my Daddy, Fred Dillard Owen, got too old to traipse through the mountain to his whiskey still and pack in supplies and carry out the finished product; he hired Willie B. One of my favorite stories is about Willie B. being caught by the revenuers. They raided my Daddy’s whiskey still and handcuffed Willie B. around a small sourwood sapling.

While they were chopping up my Daddy’s still with axes, Willie B. clumb (southern word for (climbed) up the small tree and as it bent over, he slipped away and ran through the woods. He came out of the woods into the back yard of our house breathing like a freight train.  My Daddy loved Willie B. and Willie B. loved Willie B.

Willie B. said, “Uncle Fred, they came up on me so fast. They chopped up the still place.” Daddy had Willie B. place his hands on our kindling chopping block stained with chicken blood, took a double-bladed ax, and raised it over his head. Willie B. looked up at Daddy with pleading eyes and said: “Uncle Fred please be careful.”

OOPs, wandered off a bit.

One of Daddy’s best pickups was a 1953 Chevrolet. One day he asked me if I wanted to take a ride. I never turned down an opportunity to go loafing with my Daddy. We drove down Frozen Creek Road and turned left on Highway 64 toward Quebec.  Just past my Uncle Suprgeon’s house on the left side of the road was a pipe sticking out of the mountain. It tapped into a spring of water. Daddy took a Coke can from behind his seat and rinsed it out, held it by the pipe and drank a can of water. He then handed it to me, and I drank the ice-cold water.  It was so cold, it would give you “brain freeze.” We then proceeded up the mountain to the cutoff leading to the Whitmire cemetery where several Owen’s were buried including my dear Mother.

As most people do, we parked right beside our people’s graves. My Mama’s grave was to the right of the road running through the cemetery. My Daddy took off his Fedora hat and stood at the edge of the grave for a while. Often he would brush his eyelids as he put his hat back on. Then we walked to the left of the road and stopped at my Grandfather an Grandmother’s grave. He told me that he and my Grandfather, Phillip Edmond Chapman used to make whiskey together up off Diamond Creek Road. My Grandmother, Eythel Chapman used to make the best jelly biscuits and grow the hottest cayenne  peppers in the county. She always  planted according to the Farmer’s Almanac. When the signs were in the “head,” that is when she planted her peppers and always had a boom crop. My brother, Edgar, decided to grow peppers and he consulted with Grandma. She told him he had to wait until the signs were right. Well Edgar ignored his Grandmother and planted his peppers when he dammed well pleased. The pepper plants came up looking beautiful. However, not one pepper grew on the plant. Edgar took Grandma’s advice after that.  

Oops, wandered off again.

Daddy and I would visit our people in the graveyard first and then Daddy would walk among the tombstones and tell a short story about the people lying below the stones. He knew a little about most of the people buried in the Whitmire cemetery. Some trips, we would spend upwards of two hours wandering through the cemetery. One of my saddest memories was when my brother Gerald witnessed the exhumation of my brother Edgar’s death. I arranged for Edgar to be taken to Raleigh for an autopsy. The Brevard Medical Examiner did not attend the scene of Edgar’s death and claimed that since Edgar had alcohol in his system that his death was an accident. Gerald posted reward posters for information about Edgar’s death throughout the county. No one claimed the reward. I am ready now to post another reward with the hopes that someone will come forward with information. Greed is a powerful thing. I am hopeful that my brother Edgar will one day find peace. Now both Edgar and my Daddy lie in the Whitmire cemetery. I hope some visitors stop at their graves and cite memories of them.

In the old West there are comical statements on tombstones. One reads: Here lies Wes Moore, with us no more, shot through the breast with a Colt 44.

Daddy used to sit on his back porch sipping some of his homemade elixir and singing an old ballad, Knoxville Girl. He put a lot of feeling into that song especially the line: “He grabbed her by her Golden Locks and dragged her round and round. He  threw her in the river that runs by Knoxville town.”

My first song I learned on an old Stella guitar was “Hang down your head Tom Dooley.”

On a pilgrimage to Westport Oregon, my brother Brian, and my sweet sisters Sis and Vonda Lee wandered through an old cemetery leading up to my sister Thelma’s old homeplace. We came across a tombstone that said: If love could have saved you, you would have never died. I am sure that many people share that sentiment when walking among tombstones. Forgive me for getting off track as I tend to do.

 

My wishes are not to lie in a cemetery with a headstone. I don’t want a tombstone with a “Gone but not forgotten” etching. Life is for the living and rarely do people really think about those who once walked the earth.  If anyone wants to remember me, look at the stars as I am probably in that area freely flitting about or go down to the ocean and look out across the waves where my ashes rest. My spirit will be free.

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Sunday, December 21, 2025

A Girl Named Sis

 


Thirteen Kids and One Success

My folks had thirteen kids. The theory was that every time my Daddy broke new ground for a corn patch that he had to have another kid to help hoe it. The Company store even gave Daddy a discount on hoes because he bought so many.

As I have told in previous stories, I was born with a full set of teeth (not so now) and a full head of hair.  Early each morning, Daddy would get up early and sharpen the hoes.

The slaves,  I mean children would line up and Daddy would hand each one a sharpened hoe. I was two days old and sitting on the porch chewing tobacco when one of the kids, Gerald, I think asked Daddy; Why don’t he have to work? Nodding toward me, Daddy said your Mama said he was not old enough yet. Gerald said he ate supper last night and he looks old enough to me. Besides, child labor laws have not been put in place yet.

Well, Daddy looked at Gerald and said: “I’ll be dammed, you do make sense once in  a while.”  He turned to look at me and growled, You, you get in line.” I fell off the porch and waddled over and got in line. Daddy took an old worn-out hoe, broke it over his knee, and handed it to me. The hoe was taller than me because I had not hit my growing spurt yet.

Daddy marched us out the driveway and down the road to the cornfield alongside Frozen Creek Road. He assigned us each a row of corn and told us to get to work. Although the other kids had voted me least likely to succeed , I tore into my row with my short sharp hoe and was waiting at the end of the field when the others finished their row.

Around noon, the Sheriff’s car stopped at the edge of the cornfield and talked with Daddy. I heard him say to Daddy: “ How’s it going Fred, getting the corn hoed today eh?

Daddy said yep, we have hoed almost an acre so far today. I piped up and said, “Daddy, you just been standing at the edge of the field leaning on your hoe.” He pulled his pearl handled 45 from its holster, aimed it at me and said : “ Do you want to make this your first and last day of work? The dust flew as I attacked another row of corn. As I was leaving, I heard the Sheriff ask Daddy: “How much do you think you will get out of this field?” Daddy replied, “Maybe a couple hundred gallons.

By the end of the day, I had blisters on my hands and I was tired. I promised myself  to get even with Gerald, but that’s another story.

Anyway, we grew up poor but one of the children was destined to get rich. She was just a skinny little girl, and nobody guessed that one day she would be famous and rich. She is a little touchy, so I don’t want to name her. For this story we will call her Sis. She was the least until a little baby girl named Vonda  Lee came along. Anyway, back to the story. When “Sis” was old enough to go to school, Mama had to tie her with  a rope and drag her to school. The school did not untie her for the first week. Then they tested her to see if the IQ meter peaked. Well, who would have thought, she tested out to be a genius. She played football, basketball, and pickle ball. She joined the track team and won every race she entered. She got interested in art and painted all the ceilings in school with frescos. The local paper did a story on her, and it was not long until the President of the United States came to town and gave her a grant to attend Harvard. She was 8 at the time. She set track records in Harvard and qualified for the Olympics 4 years in a row. She had so many gold medals that Fort Knox insisted on storing them due to the value.

At 10, she went to Switzerland and excelled in skiing and pickle ball. She still has the highest scores in both. She taught skiing and moved to France when she was 11 and bought a large villa where she grew grapes and won the top wine awards for 5 years running.

She bought a town in Oregon named Sisters. She named three mountains “the three sisters mountains”  She caught the biggest trout in Oregon history in the Deschutes river. She bought a castle in Scotland with a moat which she filled with alligators. Once Crocodile Dundee visited and he and Sis wrestled the alligators in the moat.

She was commissioned to paint replicas of all of Rembrandt’s paintings and became a world-renowned teacher of art from her Swiss Villa. When she would visit North Carolina, they flew in several Rolls Royce automobiles to drive her around.

I could go on and on. She turned down an offer to run for President and settled for just being a senior advisor. Anyway, you get the picture. Out of 13 kids, one turned out to be pretty successful.

In later life, she had an accident and broke her wrist playing pickle ball. That ended her career in Pickle ball, so, she just teaches the sport to others now.

I have a sister named Jeannette who has agreed to fact check my story for accuracy. She does not believe a storyteller should embellish a story. Fortunately, this is a true story. Everything has been documented and verified,  and if you don’t believe me, just ask me. I am not one known to embellish.  On one trip, one of her Rolls Royce Convertible came up missing. My friends keep asking me why I keep a car covered up in my carport.

 

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Friday, December 19, 2025

Brian Keith Owen and His Little Red Car

 

BRIAN KEITH OWEN AND HIS LITTLE RED CAR

 

Jeannett Sis Owen and Vonda Lee Owen have a little brother named Brian Keith Owen.

When Brian was in Grade School, he used to sign his homework as Brain Owen. This story will cast some doubt on his spelling of his name.

Brian had a little red car-a Subaru, I think.  The car got good gas milage and Brian/Brain was proud of it. The car met a pretty drastic end, but we won’t go there yet.

I was home on leave, I think I was still in the Navy but not sure. Anyway, I called Brian and asked if he could get off work long enough to pick me up at the Ashville Airport.

He said he could and when I landed and finally got down to the luggage area, there he was in all his splendor. Well, he did need a haircut, but I did not mention that because I was afraid that he would set me out on the highway somewhere.

We loaded up my travel bag and stopped at a little café down where the road split. One path led to Hendersonville and the other to Brevard. The Café served both roads. We went inside and ordered a big breakfast consisting of grits, hashbrowns, eggs, bacon, gravy, and toast with coffee (Lots of coffee). Well, I got my breakfast pretty quickly and felt guilty eating while Brian waited patiently for his breakfast, but I was hungry.

After some time, the waitress dropped a bowl of soupy oatmeal in front of Brian with a napkin and a fork.  He looked at me and I looked at him. By that time, the waitress had disappeared into the kitchen where she practiced looking away from the customers as she passed by their tables.

In the meantime, Brian was making sputtering sounds as he watched me sopping my gravy with my toast. After a while, he began to look a little flustered and he looked at me and said : “Did you hear what I ordered?” Well, I could not pass up an opportunity and I said: “I believe you ordered oatmeal.” He looked at me with a look of astonishment. By dam, he said. Right about that time, our waitress came out with a coffee pot and proceeded to fill coffee cups. Right before she got to our table, she looked the other way and almost ran past us. Brian took off after her and she ran into the Ladie’s room with the coffee post sloshing coffee on the floor. Brian screeched to a halt and came back to our table. I told him how good and crisp my bacon was and he actually scowled at me. “Whatsa matter?”, said I.

He looked around the room and the only help in sight was the cashier. He went up to the cashier and as he got there, she said that will be $7.75 for the oatmeal and the coffee. The hell it will, said an irate Brian.  I ordered eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, gravy and coffee. Oh, said the cashier, Sorry, that will be $11.35. I thought you were the guy that just wanted oatmeal. By this time Brian was breathing kinda hard and getting red in the face. “Do you know where my waitress is said Brian. Oh, yes, that’s Edith, she is our best waitress. She just finished her shift but if you want to leave her a tip, I will give it to her tomorrow.

I didn’t recognize Brian then. His hair stood straight up on his head, and it looked like he had grown fangs sorta like a vampire or a wild boar. He grabbed a piece of paper and wrote out what he had ordered and told the cashier; “ Can you have the kitchen fix me this breakfast? Of course, said the cashier. It will take a little while; we are having a shift change. You must be hungry today huh, what with the oatmeal and all.

Brian came back to the table huffing and puffing but it looked like his fangs had receded a little and his face looked less contorted. He watched me finish up my breakfast. I asked him if he was going to eat the oatmeal and I got a mean glare. Hey, said I, I did not mess up your order. I moved the bowl of oatmeal over and took a bite but by then it was very cold. I  told him: “  I would not order oatmeal here; they don’t serve it hot. There came the glare again.

Well, I guess all’s well that ends well.  After what seemed like a long long time, a new waitress brought out his order  and things calmed down for a while until we went back up to the new cashier. She totaled up Brian’s order and said: “Oh yes, I almost forgot to add in the oatmeal. I grabbed hold of Brian as he was rushing the cashier. I noticed his fangs were coming back out. After some explaining , Brian got the oatmeal taken off of his bill and we made it back out to the little red car and sat there a while until Brian calmed down. I asked him if he had ever had his order messed up before and there came the glare again.

Brian wanted to know if I wanted to accompany him to the Asheville flea market. I told him that I thought he had to get to work and he said that he had called in and taken the entire day off.

We took our time at the flea market looking at the wide variety of peppers, Carhart shirts, and guitars.

Meanwhile back at my Daddy’s place on Diamond Creek Road, Thelma was pacing the floor and wondering why Brian had not dropped me off. Then the phone rang and someone, I forget who, called Thelma and said: “Doesn’t Brian have a little red car?”

Yes, said Thelma. Well, a murderer escaped from Craggy prison and the news just said that the murderer had hijacked a little red car, a Suguru, I think.  I am sure it was not Brian’s, but I thought I would let you know.

Well, all hell broke loose. Thelma called the Sheriff, the Highway Patrol and I think maybe the FBI and said that Brian was way overdue from dropping me off from the airport. They put out an APB for Brian and his little red Subaru.

Daddy said, “I know he is dead; I can feel it. We will never see him again.” Thelma calmed down and said: “Let’s not go there just yet. He might have dropped Carl somewhere else and just went to work.  So, she did the logical thing. She called Brian’s work and was told that Brian never made it to work, and they were beginning to worry because he was such a good worker.

Well, Thelma looked at Daddy and Daddy looked at Thelma and simultaneously they both said: “He is dead”. The murderer killed him and run his car off the road somewhere. She called the CIA, the FBI, the Sheriff’s of Transylvania and Buncombe county and the State Bureau of Investigation and ordered them to look off the roads from the Asheville Airport. She called the hospitals and the morgues and asked if Brian had been brought in.  All the law enforcement people told her that they would find him and his little red car and call her. Everywhere you looked police cars were running up and down the highways while Brian and I were leisurely perusing the Asheville flea market.

Well, to make a long story short, Brian and I finished loafing and made it to Daddy’s place. Funeral plans had been made, and Thelma was trying to determine what to put on Brian’s tombstone. She almost fainted when we pulled into the yard in Brian’s little red car. “ How did you get away from the murderer?  she asked after she had calmed down. Daddy looked at him and said: “We figured you was dead.” Thelma asked if she could fix him a warm bowl of oatmeal.

Well, the little red car was jinxed from then on. Brian lived up on a hill off Calvary Road. His house sat on top of the hill and the road down was really steep. One day Brin was working on the red car and had the hood up with tools spread around. He leaned over the front of the car, and it slipped out of gear. So, there went the red car heading for the bluff and there went Brian after it trying to chase it down. The car won the race and went off the steep bluff into a patch of cane at the bottom of the hill. It was not good for anything after then. Brian refuses to buy a red car to this day. He quit eating at the restaurant where they messed up his order. I could tell you about some of the food orders that have been messed up over the last several years. He could order a pizza ad they would serve him a hot dog. Enough about that.

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Burdens are a blessing!.