My LATEST CHALLENGE AND MY SMOKNG HOT SISTER
THOSE LITTLE BROWN PILLS
Those little
brown pills
I never know what is going to set me off. I could be calm
as a cucumber and then watch some politician joker on TV act like they know
what they are talking about and making outlandish claims and I’m suddenly sitting
on top of the moon stomping my feet on the ground.
I’ve got a sister and I won't mention her name because I
am scared she will go apeshit on me. You’ve heard of those fast cars that go
from 0 to 60 in 5 seconds. Well, they don’t stand a chance with my sister. She
is faster than greased lightning when it comes from simmer to boil. She claims
it starts with a burning sensation in her big toe and spreads until she is John
of Arc burning at the stake. Pity those fools who set her off. They know not
what they do.
A while back, she was referred to a particular doctor or
maybe a peculiar doctor at the hospital. It was an urgent situation because she
was told if she didn’t get help that she might lose the use of her right leg. (not
to be confused with her wrong leg).
So, she called to get the appointment and this unknowing
fool who had an ego as big as Paul Bunyan’s big blue ox answered the phone.
Well, I won’t tell the whole story but This here sister of mine said she wanted
to get an appointment with this magic doctor she was referred to. This
unwitting fool told my sister that they would help her get an appointment, but
it may be with another doctor instead of the magic doctor.
Well, the big toe started burning and fire crept up
through her shoe she was wearing, and the flame was tugging at her pants leg.
But this sister preaches to me that when I feel myself getting wound up to just
take deep breaths and count to 10 and not to go apeshit. Didja ever hear that
expression: “ Do as I say not what I do”? Well, hells bells, that is what happened.
This sister of mine first took her deep breaths and
calmly explained that she was referred to this particular doctor due to her
precarious situation. This Bimbo, with attitude told her: “We decide what
doctor you see, not you. Well by this time the flame from the toe had crept up
to the knee and was getting hotter. They
know not what they do indeed. Shoulda made a video call so the broad on the
phone could see the flames and the grit coming off my sister’s teeth. BEWARE BEWARE BEWARE.
Unbeknownst to this know-it all on the phone, she was
shortening her life span. My sister was close to the point of taking her
burning leg to the hospital and jamming it up this obnoxious girl’s , I don’t
know the medical term, I think maybe “rectum”. Wrecktum hell, she would have
done her in if she had not had trouble walking and running to the hospital.
Code Red Code Red.
Anyway, my sister tried to keep her cool although she was
coughing from the smoke of her burning leg. She hung up and called back to speak
to the head nurse. Calmly she explained what had happened with the dumb bunny
she had talked with. The head nurse said that she had read the notes of the
conversation and maybe, just maybe, my sister and the hospital was just not the
right fit. Well, the flame from the big toe had a flashback and smoke started
to pour around my sister. I can’t go further in explaining this incident as it
is just to painful to tell. You will have to contact my sister to hear the Paul
Harvey rest of the story.
Back to the title of my story. Years ago, after 26 years
of living in Washington State, I got in the car one day and just kept driving.
I ran out of gas by the Snake River in a little Idaho town named Rupert. So, I
decided to just live there and I am still in Rupert or just outside about 3
miles out. Sorta like that song: Lodi. Here I am stuck in Lodi or in this case
Rupert. So, there were times in my past
where I went a little over the line and got a little out of sorts once in a
while and people who ran from the scene described it as me going Apeshit. I just thought it was something I inherited
from my sister with the big toe warning except my toe was always hurting from
having an ingrown toenail. (another story).
So, I decide to take my wise sister’s advice except when
I feel it coming on, I can’t count to ten and take deep breaths. I have to count
to 311 and take breaths that rival the sound of a train with a steam
engine. I have found that it helps but
not always
When I arrived in Idaho about 19 years ago, I wasn’t
feeling too chipper, so I goes to a doctor. He diagnoses me with anemia. I ask what is that? He said normally it is
bleeding from the inside. I looked at him and said what is normally about
bleeding from the inside. No, No, he said . Let’s order a colonoscopy and an
endoscopy to find the source of the bleeding. So, the way I understood it, I
was getting pretty low on blood. Shoulda checked my dipstick. Hey Hey, lets
leave my dipstick alone.
So, I take these tests and no blood was found. Maybe I
had lost too much to detect. So, he prescribed iron pills which made me piss
orange. That worried me a little, so I went back and he said I was still
anemic. So, he reaches in his pocket and takes out a wadded-up plastic bag with
some pills in the bag. He said, “I was anemic once and I started taking these
pills and I am no longer anemic. So, hows about giving me a couple of those suggested
I, me, or whatever. He says they come in
a bottle of 500 and you can get them at Costco. They are called Super B
Complex. To make a long story shorter, I went to Costco and had those super b
tablets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and when I went back to the Doctor, he
said I was no longer anemic. I had a few choice words that I will not repeat about
having to have the colonoscopy and the endoscopy, but he hid behind a bullet
proof door with a speaker and told me my appointment time was up.
Anyway, to get to the point of the title of this story.
Sometimes it just takes me a while.
This same Doctor, told me that my blood tests showed me
low on vitamin D. So, I goes back to Costco and buy a bottle of D3. I guess D1
and D2 did not work sorta like WD 39 as opposed to WD 40. Well, this bottle contained
what looked like miniature fish oil tablets except they were round and
slippery. I have suffered with these little bastards for a few years. I try to
pick one up and take it to my mouth and it slips out of my hand and rolls away.
I hunts and I hunts and can’t find the clear little rascal until I later step
on it and squish it. I have dropped untold numbers of these little bastards,
and I am sure my vitamin D is getting low again. I tried putting the little
critters on the bed and that helped some but boy they are elusive and roll away
very easily onto the floor.
My sister with the big toe issue has given me some great
advice so I calls her and explains the issue. I mention that I have a 12-pound
sledgehammer and that my idea was to put those little rascals on a stump and
smash the shit out of them. She says I need to calm down and take deep breaths.
I then send her a picture of these little roly poly pills and she writes back. “Get
out that sledgehammer” and then she gives me her sage advice: GET BIGGER PILLS.
Nuff said
-30-
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