My Organic Sister, "Sis" and Rip Van Winkle

 

The Untold Story of my sister and Rip Van Winkle

 

Most people alive today are familiar with Rip Van Winkle. Washington Irvin wrote what up until now that the story of Rip was just a work of fiction. My research of Van Winkle found that Rip Van Winkle was a real person, born in Amsterdam.

So, what led me to research Rip Van Winkle, you might ask. Well, go ahead and ask but the reason is stranger than fiction. You see, I have a sister that has a problem sleeping. Now, I realize that most people have occasionally experienced trouble falling asleep, but my sister can lay in bed trying to sleep for 10-12 hours at a time. She goes days and days and even nights trying hard to fall asleep. There are others with a sleeping disorder who suddenly fall asleep while standing up.

I knew a guy in the Navy that would be standing in formation and suddenly slump to the ground. Sleep doctors analyze the many known sleeping disorders. It is hard to get an appointment with a sleep doctor because they have trouble staying awake and if you succeed in getting an appointment with one; chances are he or she may fall asleep during your appointment.

Now, back to my sister. I don’t want to embarrass her in any manner, so I will just refer to her as Sis. That is just about as anonymous as I can get to protect her true identity.

She now resides in South Carolina but like me she was born in Transylvania County, North Carolina in a little-known place called Frozen Creek.

There are many theories on why she cannot get enough sleep. One sister from Montana has a theory that when she was very young, she was dropped on her head, which might explain some of her other weird behaviors. I promised to not mention her name so I will just refer to her as V. Sorta like the old science fiction TV show named V which stood for Visitors. Now, I’m not talking about from down the street. That show was about Visitors from distant planets who migrated to Earth. Now this Montana sister is addicted to Paranormal TV shows and she swears that as a young child, she was kidnapped by little green men. She did not suit their fancy, so they quickly brought her back. She is one of the few kidnapped people that Space Aliens rejected. She is a little weird but that does not stand out in Kalispell, Montana. Oh, she has rented apartments with evil poltergeists residing within without paying rent.  Which brings to mind, are all poltergeists evil? Not one friendly poltergeist? But enough about V. Back to Sis.

Occasionally, Sis will doze off while watching a boring movie (which she recommends to her family members) She will not take a sleeping pill, since she thus far has not found an organic sleep aid. I just use tequila.

You see, she won’t touch food that does not have an organic sticker or label on it. She preaches that eating just organic foods has many benefits. However, being able to sleep enough is not one of those benefits.

I indulged in this Organic Craze once. I bought some cucumbers (by mistake) that had organic stickers on them. It was not until I got home that I looked at my receipt and found out that I had paid slightly more than double the average price for the Organic Cucumbers. I actually found a cheaper solution. I went to eBay and bought a whole roll of ORGANIC stickers for a very reasonable price. I love produce so I started buying my veggies and then when I got home, I carefully pasted an organic sticker on them one by one. A lot of extra work but eating healthier was worth it, I thought. I felt better and had no trouble sleeping or falling asleep. I even learned to sleep with my eyes open, especially when hanging around boring friends with strong opinions and no hesitancy to share their weird opinions.

So, to try to save my organic sister, I shared my cost saving practice and even offered to buy her a roll of Organic stickers. She scoffed. Then she scoffed again and said in an imperious manner: “putting organic stickers on regular food DOES NOT MAKE THEM ORGANIC, YOU DOUGHHEAD.” I had what I thought was the perfect comeback. I said, “THAT IS WHAT THE SELLERS OF ORGANIC FOODS DO, YOU BOZO.”

Did you ever try to catch an Organic Chicken? They are twice as fast as a non-organic egg layer. By the way, the Organic chickens lay eggs with organic stickers already on them. Explain that, says Sis. I can’t but that reminds me of my favorite chicken story. Some of you have commented that sometimes my stories drift off the subject from time to time. So, for just a moment, I will digress.

I was driving home from the big city of Twin Falls, Idaho, one fine afternoon. As I was heading for the freeway on-ramp, I noticed a chicken was following me right behind my car almost on my bumper. So, I sped up a little, but the chicken kept up with me. As I got on the freeway, the chicken followed close behind me. I sped up to seventy-five miles an hour, so did the chicken. At this point, I was a little amazed and a little nervous.

I sped up to eighty mph and the chicken kept up with me. Suddenly, the chicken sped up and passed me. As this chicken got in front of my car, I was astonished to see that the chicken had three legs. Those of you drumstick lovers, I now have your attention. I was trying to keep up with this chicken while expecting at any time for me and the chicken getting pulled over for speeding by the Highway Patrol. Suddenly, the chicken slowed down a little and took the next freeway exit. Don’t hold me to this but it seemed that right on the chicken’s butt was an ORGANIC sticker firmly attached.

I stomped my brake and followed the chicken. I could not help myself. The chicken took a left onto a country road and I followed. I was mesmerized. Couldn’t help myself. About seven and 1/3 miles down the country road, the chicken veered off onto a long driveway and sped up leaving me in the dust.

I continued down the driveway, and I came upon a man leaning on a fence. I came to a screeching halt. The man came over to me and asked if I was lost. I said maybe, but did you just see a three- legged chicken whiz by you? Yes, he said that was one of my prize hens Sally. She lays organic eggs and I make a lot of money from her unique ability by selling town people genuine natural organic eggs complete with the sticker.

Wow, said I. How in the world did you find a three-legged chicken? Oh, I bred them from a three-legged Rooster I mail ordered from North Carolina. This one was pretty big; how do the three-legged chickens taste? I don’t know replied the man, I have never been able to catch one.

Sorry about that, well, to be truthful, Not really.

Back to Sis.

Her idea rejected by the majority of southerners, is to cook pinto beans, referred to down south as soup beans without any seasoning. I mean she just cooks the beans without any normal seasoning, No smoked ham hock, no streaked salt pork, no bacon, just water and beans. When she lived with her sister V in Kalispell, Montana just off White Stage Road, she would make her soup beans and V would make a pot of beans flavored with bacon or side pork or ham hocks. The table was set with both bowls of beans. V’s beans were devoured along with delicious corn bread and a chunk of onion. Sis was the only one who filled a bowl with her organic soup beans. She would take a couple of spoonfuls of her unseasoned beans, then she would set aside her bowl of beans and munch down on V’s beans with a satisfied smile.

Back to Rip Van Winkle. I did a search for Rip’s ancestors and found that Rip from Yellowstone was a far far distant relative. Yellowstone Rip did not sleep for 20 years like his relative. I met up with Yellowstone Rip and talked him into donating a pint of blood. I then hired a laboratory and paid them to use the blood plasma to develop an organic sleeping pill. I put tiny organic stickers on the sleeping pills along with a warning, “May cause excessive sleep.” Well taken in by the small sticker, Sis started taking one pill about every week or so. Each time after that, when I called her, I woke her up. She always said that she was just having a small nap, but word on the street was that she would sleep for days after just one Rip pill.

The names of the characters in this story have been modified to protect the actual characters. And I do mean Characters.

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