When You Reach the End of The Road

There is always a beginning, a middle and an end. The beginning is always the same. You come into the world and wonder what the hell is going on. You start with a clean slate. What you write on that clean slate is what you do with your life. The end comes quickly, and you are always surprised, and everyone asks: How did the end come so soon?

You wake up each morning with a second gift from God. The first is the breath of life.  The second gift is when you open your eyes and then the day is up to you. You can go to work, go fishing, mow the lawn or waste time. There is a heartfelt song by Otis Redding called “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay.” A significant end of the line is “wasting time.”

As important as every moment of your life is, you sometimes don’t put those moments to use because when you are young, you feel as if the moments allotted are endless. But one day you wake and look in the mirror and ask yourself, how did I get this old and where did the months and years go?

Well, I can now feel the sand running out, I can see the time I wasted. Reality sinks in and I know I can’t go back and do things differently. At an early stage of my life, I began to love music and songs. I know that the songs tell a story of happiness, love, lost love, lost chances, and heartache. Some of the songs dwell on happiness like Roger Miller’s “Walking in the Sunshine” or Buck Owen’s “Loves Gonna Live Here” There is Frank Sinatra’s “I Did it My Way.” There is Merle Haggard’s “Today I started Loving You Again.”  There are songs of Regret like Gene Watson’s “Farewell Party” or the song “It’s My Party or “Turn out the lights, the parties over” Unfortunately, a lot of the songs are about misery. There is a song for every mood you might have. There are good old gospel songs like “Amazing Grace” and “How Great Thou Art” . “I’ll Fly Away” is both a happy and a sad song. “Peace in the Valley” is a hopeful song that will one day come true.

I became a workaholic and did not focus on the important things in life. I was raised poor and proud. I had an unforgettable family. My Daddy was a strong man with strong opinions, but he taught me to help someone when and if you can. I have tried to help,  and I have succeeded and sometimes failed. My sister Estelle loved the Bible verse about the good Samaritan. A rich man whose chances of getting to heaven were as slim as his ability to pass through the eye of a needle. I bet he is there. My Mama grew up poor and she and her sister Lola (nicknamed Monk) was courted by my Daddy and my Uncle Robert. Daddy made whiskey with my Grandpa Edmond Chapman who married my grandmother Ethyl who used snuff and was sometimes known to take a sip of whiskey to chase a cayenne pepper she had just eaten raw. My preference was always a pickled cayenne  with a bowl of soup beans and corn bread. My brother Charles was the best fisherman in Frozen Creek until my brother Michael took away his title. My Daddy had several witty sayings, and one was: “I thought fish was brain food, but Charles proves that wrong” Charles wrecked his Harley Davidson Motorcycle and had to wear dresses until his skinned hide grew back.

My brother Edgar loved Science Fiction books and beer. He loved music also and often asked me to play “My Favorite Memory” and “Picking Flowers on the Hill” My brother Gerald loved the song “Listen to the Rhythm of The Falling Rain” Charles loved “White Silver Sands” and “Wildwood Flower”  My brother Harold loved “Now and then There’s a Fool Such as I” My brother Michael and I used to sing “ Thinking Bout Things” My Sister Estelle’s favorite song was “When Will I Be Loved” My sister Vonda loved “Satin Sheets” and “I’m Not Lisa” along with “Life Turned her That Way” Howard loved the song “White Lightning”. My brother Brian loved the Southern Rock Bands “Alabama and Oak Ridge Boys” My sister Thelma loved the old Gospel tunes such as “ Further Along” and “Amazing Grace” . Mama loved the instrumental tunes and put up with my first song “Tom Dooley” which I played until everyone was sick of Tom Dooley. My Daddy loved old ballads such as: “Knoxville Girl” and “Hangman Hangman” “Keep on the Sunny Side” “Cheer up my Brother” and one of my favorites, “Swing Low Sweet Chariot” He often sat on the back porch and sang those old songs.  My sister, Sis, loved songs by Billy Joe Royal and Mel McDaniels. She has such an amazing talent as an artist. I hope she does not cut off one of her ears.

It took me several years to get over my Mamma’s death. I just could not believe that I had lost the one person who I knew for sure loved me. I was stuck in grief for many years/ That is why I don’t want any of my family to grieve over me and go though the customary rituals of a funeral or a stone on the hillside. I want my family to accept my wishes when my time on earth is over. My wishes are to be cremated quickly and my remains given to the Navy to be scattered at sea.  A simple Military service and one rose will do. My belief is that when you are born that God gives you your first breath of life and when you die, your last breath releases and frees your spirit. I hope that my spirit will soar after death and be able to travel this world in the blink of an eye. If someone wants to have a memory of me, just look up and wish me fair winds. I don’t believe in family members having any obligation to visit a marker in a cemetery and feel sad. My Daddy sang a song, “Don’t send for me no flowers when just a rose will do” If anyone wants to have a ritual, visit the sea, and toss as rose into the brine. Hold on to only good memories cast away any bad ones. Don’t grieve me. Hopefully, I have left a good memory for you  to think back on. Don’t spend too much time as the song “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay” says “wasting time.

I hold such dear memories of growing up, traveling the world, and plucking on my old guitar. My regret is I did not spend as much time with my family as I should have. I never believed in the word “Love” when I was younger but when I was younger, I was foolish.

Live your life to the fullest and help others when you can. I hope my daughter, Margaret Rose will read the verse “There is a Time for Everything”  when I go. I want my son, Kyle Edward, to think of all the good times we had together, especially the horse track and our laughs together. We loved our jokes and our puns.

If I am able, I will check in on everyone now and again.

 

With Love,

Carl