Baffling Binder

My daughter Margaret called me the other day. Well to be accurate, she
called the mother unit and I answered the cell phone since the Mother
Unit was driving. She is my chauffeur (the Mother Unit not the
Daughter Unit). Well, anyway, the daughter unit asked me to write a
newsletter story and she also asked me for my recipe for Lumpia
(pronounced Lump E Ah). Of course, the daughter unit wanted to argue
about the pronunciation too. She even states that the expression Woo
Hoo should be Woo Who. Wha…Wha…Wha… don't ask me I don't know what is
wrong with her. To find out would cost too much in Psychiatric fees.

It seems the Daughter Unit wants me to tell a story on myself instead
of her poor Aunties or the Mommie Unit. Unfortunately, I was in such
shock to hear from the daughter unit that I agreed. I checked with
several lawyers and they state that I made a verbal contract so….

Here Goes:

I used to work for Social Security as a customer service agent. I once
had a call from Sis when she worked for the Welfare Department in S.C.
I answered the phone and gave my name and Sis (I didn't recognize her
voice over the phone) said, "Who the Hell did you say you were?" I
said, "I said my name was Carl Owen, Who the Hell is asking?"
Well one of the rules is that you can't help family members. I
explained this to the Sister Unit and she wanted to argue about it so
I checked with the supervisor and was told since she was calling for
someone else that I could talk with her. Since the little nut case did
not have the person with her, I couldn't help her but it sure was
strange to get a call from a member of my family when there are
thousands of agents throughout the U.S. and thousands of calls coming
in every day. Figure the odds.

When I first went to work for Social Security they paid me to take 6
weeks of classroom training. Well, I had two instructors and there was
about 25 people in the class. One of the instructors was a black man
and the other was a blond woman. The black man's name was Al Blackman
(I'm not kidding here folks this is the honest truth). The blond
lady's name was and still is, by the way, Kathleen Watness. I put up
with Al Blackman but I absolutely loved Kathleen. Kathleen would be
giving a lecture on a boring subject (they were all boring subjects)
and she would lose her train of thought and look at me and say, "What
was I talking about?" I would reply, "Don't know Kathleen, you put me
to sleep again. She was and is a funny lady. She asked me to teach
her how to tell a joke. I put a lot of effort in her preparation,
memory and delivery. She is still a work in progress. She finally got
to where she could tell a short joke with the proper delivery, but she
would just lose it on a long joke. Anyway, I was the answer man in
class because I took lots of notes and made study notes for my
classmates. I finished the class in first place with the best grade.
O.K. Marg, yes, I've been stalling. So, here goes…..

Each of us in class was given a multi binder unit that held several
volumes of procedural laws, rules and regulations on everything under
the sun regarding the many social security programs. Periodically, the
instructors would give us changes to insert in the binders. No sooner
would we update the binders with changes than they would come out with
tons and tons of changes to the changes and changes to the changed
changes. Eventually, the procedures volumes weighed about 83 and 7/9
pounds (Marg, note the odd number). There was this friend of mine in
class, an Irish girl named Erin. Well, Erin would bring me popcorn,
snacks and coffee for helping her with her study notes and frequently
she would shake me awake during a boring lecture. Anyway, Erin and I
sat right next to each other so we got to know each other and I liked
her and she liked me. We would even pass notes back and forth, like
"Look at Charley, he is asleep" " I don't know he might have died
since we were being taught death benefits." Often Al Blackman or
Kathleen would say, Carl and Erin, do you want to share with the
class? And, we would cool it for a while. Erin always managed to make
me laugh and was probably one of the main reasons other than lots of
coffee that I was able to survive the long boring lectures. O.K Marg
cool your jets, I'm getting to the story. I might have rambled a
little off track.

The binder unit holding all the procedures was about 43 inches long
and the individual sections like retirement, disability, widow's
benefits, Medicare and so forth were held with removable three ring
metal clasps that had to be dismantled each time a change was made.
One day we were filing stacks and stacks of changes and Kathleen was
lecturing while we were making changes. I finished my changes and
glanced over at Erin who had the most puzzled expression on her face.
I asked her what was wrong and she said that when she slid the changed
procedures back in the binder unit that all the changes were upside
down. I laughed and told her to just stand on her head when she needed
to study that section. I could see that she was frustrated and did not
appreciate my helpful advice. I told her to slide the manual out of
the binder holder, take the papers out of the metal three ring and
turn the papers completely around and then put them in the binder
holder right side up. I went back to my nap. Suddenly, Erin nudged me
with her elbow. Since I was holding my head up with my arm, my head
hit the desk and everyone turned around at the loud thump. I then
looked over at Erin and she was almost crying. She had taken the
manual apart and turned the papers completely around but she had also
turned the three ring unit around so when she got it all put back
together it was upside down again.

Well, this was hilariously funny and I felt a loud uncontrollable
laugh coming on…but I didn't want to hurt Erin's feelings by laughing
out loud at her and I didn't want to disrupt the class and Kathleen's
boring lecture so I did the only thing I could do. I held my breath to
hold in the laugh and hurriedly got to my feet and made for the
classroom door. My plan was to somehow make it outside the classroom
and have about a ten minute loud laugh and then come back in. I hoped
everyone would just think I was making a bathroom trip. So, I held the
laugh in by holding my breath and rushed for the door.

I jerked the door open and lurched into the hallway. I put my hand up
against the wall and let my breath out. When I did, I found myself
totally without oxygen and I unceremoniously slid down the wall onto
the hallway floor, which thankfully was carpeted. I was having a hell
of a time getting air into my lungs so I thrashed around on the
hallway floor like a beached whale having an epileptic fit gasping for
air and making strange sounds like gahh , arguh and ahhhh. Sort of a
cross between Japanese, German and Spanish.

This is a funny story isn't it? Well the story ain't done yet.
Kathleen saw me rush for the door and thought I was sick so she ran
out after me. When she saw me on the floor, she got this worried
scrunched up look and yelled Carl, are you O.K? I of course, not
having any oxygen, I could not answer her. This is funny, huh. You
might even think it was a bit embarrassing too. Well, that would be an
understatement because as I slowly regained a little air in my lungs I
looked around the hallway and there was Al Blackman with the head of
the Agency and a bunch of visiting dignitaries from Baltimore Maryland
the great Social Security Headquarters staff bearing down on me. As I
looked toward the classroom all twenty –five of my classmates had
followed Kathleen out into the hallway.

So, between the classmates gawking, the VIPs and Al Blackman heading
for me and Kathleen kneeling in the hallway saying, Carl, Carl, Carl,
are you O.K.? I was just a tad embarrassed.

About this time here comes Blackman with a foldable wheelchair.
Someone was saying "I know CPR and all the dignitaries wanted to call
an ambulance. I wanted to disappear.

I was hoisted off the floor into the collapsible wheelchair which
almost collapsed again. I was surrounded by a crowd as big as goes to
a famous rock concert and everyone was talking at once. Erin joined
Kathleen and handed me a paper cup of water which I spilled half on
myself and was able to drink some. I stopped them from calling an
ambulance and told them I was O.K. I did have a carpet burn on my knee
from my spill on the carpet and for a while I suffered an overdose of
attention. Thankfully, it was almost days end so when they let me get
out of the wheelchair I slunk quickly out the back exit, around the
building to my car and raced home. Yeah, they still talk about me over
there. Erin forgave me for telling what had happened and you
know…..Life goes on.